If you're going to a big Thanksgiving dinner, remember to take a Tupperware so you can have COVID for lunch the next day.

Am I obligated to accept the post of Secretary of Transportation if it’s offered?

If you miss my podcast with @KevinHart4real, then what does that say about your priorities? https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/MaCF1RVJHQ

When Doja Cat joined Bebe Rexha at the AMA's for 'Baby I'm Jealous' I F-ING LOST IT!!! #imnotold

I'm not worried about a second lockdown, because I already know all the best places in my house to cry.

Instead of “concede” or “lost,” what if Trump was allowed to say, “My second term has filed for Chapter 11.”

I feel bad for the kids who aren’t cool enough to get invited to Super Spreader parties.

Serious question: Can a tree go to rehab? https://t.co/wqm0RhDLyq

Like my pal @SarahKSilverman, I support this incredible cause. https://t.co/XfzuyjTe0W

Right now, Trump is fuming that he went with Giuliani over his first choice, Sweet James: https://t.co/hMzbRSc5Kl

Coronavirus update: don't click on anything titled "Coronavirus update."

Remember, you need to start quarantining TODAY for Thanksgiving, and then keep quarantining, and then not go.

Hear @JohnLeguizamo tell me things that he’s never even told his therapist @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/UNtKB0bo4t

In political-medical news: There is an impacted stool in our body politic.

A new book about Alexander Hamilton claims he wasn’t the talented African-American rapper we all thought he was.

Instead of "What's new?" I've started asking people "Develop any fun coping mechanisms lately?"

A new study claims people who don’t exercise are more likely to be depressed, especially if they just lost the Presidential election.

FLORIDA MAN LOSES ELECTION

It's getting ugly... Mitch McConnell just demanded to see Joe Biden's birth certificate.

Last year, @SamRichardson and I spent a week together acting like fools in Ghana. More recently, we got together over Zoom and acted like fools on my podcast. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/csNV32xwXg