At the end of Endgame, Captain America uses the Time Stone to make himself eligible for the vaccine.

Okay guys, I finally caved and bought stock in GameStop. Wish me luck!

.@KenanThompson gives off such powerfully good vibes, most immune systems can’t handle it. Hear our conversation @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/dXH53vQT3O

In honor of Washington’s Birthday, I’m getting wooden Invisaligns.

The first thing NASA’s Perseverance rover discovered was a better series finale for "Dexter"

Ted Cruz really is the "Ted Cruz" of senators.

I had no idea Toyota’s “RAV4” was short for “Ravioli 4” until I opened the glove compartment.

I miss the good old days when "going to the movies" didn't involve breaking into a theater then Googling "how to work a projector."

Been following a trail of rose petals since Sunday. Miles away from home and realizing this isn’t going to lead back to my bedroom.

Thanks to my friend @danagould for shining a spotlight on Dr. Z, one of the unsung pioneers of late night television. https://t.co/2LwqyKA5KV

I had the privilege of talking to Dave Grohl about the punk show that changed his life, jamming with Sir Paul McCartney, and how well KFC chicken goes with champagne. Listen @ https://t.co/oVFo7VxNEK https://t.co/7NiQm1SpKM

I was on the phone all morning yesterday ordering flowers and chocolates for our porch thief.

I’m looking forward to taking my wife to the dining room for Valentine’s Day.

What’s the cutoff age for leaving a baby on the doorstep of a fire station? Would they take, for example, a fully grown red-haired man?

I think WandaVision is slowly building to the big reveal that I still don't know what's going on.

RT @teamcocolive: Season two of our web series "The Set Up," kicks off with @NikkiGlaser reliving the first time she met Conan. Watch the full episode @ https://t.co/qynFzZsuEJ https://t.co/xA9M1yQOYQ

If I just wanted likes, I would post my private video of 3 piglets and 3 puppies frolicking in a basket held by Idris Elba. But I won’t.

Good luck meeting anyone on Tinder with just "Executive Chair” of Amazon, Bezos!

Tom Brady winning the Super Bowl at 43 makes me believe I could win the Super Bowl 14 years ago.

Had a blast chatting with @DavidSpade about our SNL days, the lax security at 30 Rock in the ‘80s, and that time I hung out with his mom at @AdamSandler's daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/eQ9iuKmfTj