Just got my DNA results back and turns out I’m 34% “wig stand.”

I worry that pardoning marijuana offenses is a gateway to pardoning …. You get it.

Life hack: tell people your alcohol shakes are just recession jitters.

Maybe we should offer OPEC the Aaron Judge home run ball.

I am so excited to announce that I will be joining my dear friend @MichelleObama on her #TheLightWeCarry Tour in San Francisco on December 9 to discuss her new book. 

Get your ticket today: https://t.co/326opnyX5U https://t.co/tifG7V1qa2

A fan in the Netherlands chatted with me about the three most pressing issues of our time: Black Death, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. https://t.co/cvqNmLNdCa https://t.co/v0DY1R9tEW

It's always a delight to hang out with Mila Kunis. Hear us chat about her Ukrainian roots, sustainable farming, and that time I ghosted her. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/DQHJJwdhmj

Please join my Reddit debating which serves in the Top Gun volleyball scene are foot faults.

I was relieved to learn there will be a separate, more exclusive rapture for celebrities.

I'm really happy for my friend @billyeichner. Catch #BrosMovie in theaters now. https://t.co/LWSUFDpj5j

My brother Luke caught this live in my studio and said it was one of the best performances he has ever seen. Thank you and God Bless, Coolio.

https://t.co/6VHpdDL4hr

A lot of people think I’m a generous tipper, but that’s actually hush money.

When I go to my dermatologist he seals off the office with yellow crime scene tape.

I was honored to chat with @billyeichner about the challenges he faced early in his career, being mentored by Joan Rivers, and his historic rom-com #BrosMovie. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/mhxxdI660g

You can now compost with human remains and I’ve already been asked to fertilize an orange grove.

FYI: this doesn’t work for Scrabble.

https://t.co/vKHyvURCY4

I’m a lifelong @RedSox fan, but it’s still a thrill to watch Aaron Judge (@thejudge44) chase Maris’ home run record. (Looking forward to my beat down at Logan Airport.)

My wife knows the only DM’s I slide into are my Denim Moccasins.

In California, after 15 weeks the fetus is given a podcast.

I met a plastic surgeon who promised to give me a free Brazilian butt lift. https://t.co/F6seujrAmj https://t.co/aUIhjsWEsd